girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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