Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I understand Curling. That high.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
