I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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