My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
the gays at disneyland are vicious
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
