I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
