If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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