i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
