it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
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