Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Your dad touched me again.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
