I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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