The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
