I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
