You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Nicole vs. Life
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
my shit smells like andre
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
