K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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