tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
