I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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