is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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