when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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