My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
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