Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
