Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
