my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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