I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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