I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
