omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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