i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
