I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
