Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
