Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
