how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
