Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
