i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i will never coherently bang her
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
