I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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