There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Dicks are not precious.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
