i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
