Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
