If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I wish there were birth control emojis
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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