I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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