Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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