DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Just cropdusted the office
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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