I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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