I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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