no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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