The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
