why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
