she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
