Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
