does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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