Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
