You really coming over, don't trick.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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