My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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