Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
