i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
