if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
