You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
