***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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