I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
