you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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