Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
she peed on how many people?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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