Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
