eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
